Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tick tock. Tick tock.

After staying up way later than I should have watching The Wolf of Wall Street. I was dragging way more than usual this AM. Which by the way was the longest most pointless movie ever.

If you offend easily well then we probably shouldn't be friends and you should stop here. But. This one clip made it all worth it.

The whole Lemmon Quaalude 714 scene holy crap I had no idea Leonardo DiCaprio had THAT Jim Carrey'ish talent.

Haven't laughed that hard since watching This Is The End.

Afterwards I had to justify with a few episodes of Nurse Jackie to make staying up worth while. Not to mention all that late night cinema'ing it up and nursing my baby ALL night long. I'm pretty sure we could break a world record of latch time in one night alone. I'm running on a good 4 hours sleep today.

Today is Earth Day, my fifth grader is spending the school day at the park with his class. So fun! But this requires bringing a lunch. No worries we bought stuff the night before at Kroger I was prepared this time. Shocking I know but if I didn't have my sweet Natalie shoving it down my throat since last week I probably wouldn't be.

It's also, STAAR testing week for my third and fifth grader. The hold the kids hostage literally and make them eat in the classroom. Nobody likes eating the schools sack lunch. Nobody. It's like the worst lunch ever, slightly better than jail food. Or when you are out of lunch money and have to eat the crappy vegetables. Not that I know about either, just what I've heard of course. Uh huh, Promise.

I run outta the house baby in arms and Disney cup full of fresh brewed Joe, Community Coffee Café Special my new favorite. Barefoot, well I had socks on and... bra less. Load up the baby and we are off to school drop off. Did I mention it stormed last night? And my Suburban was backed in from unloading all the groceries too? After trekking through the grass and wet sidewalk my socks were soaked! Worst feeling ever. But we are gonna be late so I carry on.

Kiddo's hop out and were barely on time.

Then I see it.

Natalie's lunch tote as I'm pulling out of the school parking lot.


It's STAAR testing day and she's a worrier. I mean she basically bugged me 5 million times about her lunch since last week.

I weigh my options. I didn't have my cell phone. Bra less. Shoe less. 9 month old baby strapped in car seat. I make the long drive all the way around the neighborhood back into the school parking lot. Literally ALL the way around the neighborhood, dang school zone one ways and cops enforcing kid safety and all.

And then I see her. She was like an angel. And then I had THAT ah hah moment. Yes!

The Assistant Principal was outside on a very important call. But my girl I know she's probably stressing right now and about to lose it. So, I got her attention and she saved me, she took my girls lunch into school. I didn't have to get out. Yay! MY soggy sock, non-bra wearing snotty baby tote'n school office trip crisis averted.

Then I get home.

And check my phone to send a quick thank you email to said angel. I see lots of voicemails and missed calls. Grrrreat.

The boy left his lunch on the kitchen counter.

I throw my baby in the bath tub with no water and tons of toys while I shower. Why I didn't think of this months ago, seriously. She's mobile now and into everything. And at this point it's the safest place in the entire house. Especially after the gum chewing incident the day before.

I shower and now she's wailing mum...mumma...mumma...mumma so I pick her up and throw her on my hip and try to brush my teeth. Tick tock, tick tock. Gotta get to work and get back to school before my fifth grader takes off to the park. Of course she grabs my toothbrush full of tooth paste before I could stick it in my mouth. That was fun.

Then the flailing baby knocks my bath and body works glass lotion onto the tile floor. Glass and lotion go flying everywhere.

I spit out the toothpaste, turn off the light and just walk away.

I think I'll start a load of diapers before I leave it just takes a sec. As I go to add bleach to the dispenser since it had been a while since I bleached them. And guess what I did.

I spilled bleach everywhere. I put the cap back on, rinse my hands grabbed the baby who's covered in cookie mush because that's what you do when you need 2 seconds to distract a almost 10 month old. Well only the best mothers do. Two trips to the car later I load up all our stuff, baby and another huge Disney cup of Joe.

Pull into the parking lot at school. Run inside baby on hip lunch in hand.

So who wants to come over tonight and help clean up bleach and broken glass tonight?

I didn't think so.

Oh I almost forgot to mention, say hello to your new Mary Kay Consultant. After 25 years of saving up my allowance to buy MK and attending countless parties I finally made the plunge to sell. I love love love MK! You can shop online even and I'll deliver if you live close enough and promise to wear shoes and a bra. 

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