Tuesday, February 21, 2012


Six is the number of days I have been a non-smoker.

I really like the sound of it, non-smoker. Yep, pretty awesome.

I had a really tough time late this morning, I wanted one bad. My normal routine would be to go downstairs grab the mail and a quick smoke. I'm not surprised, it's pretty much a given it was my routine for so many years. Six years of that exact routine M-F around 10AM rain or shine hot or cold.

My husband as he always does asked me how I was feeling this morning.

Such an easy question to respond to.

Yet, I didn't know what to say because well...

I felt numb. I have been on major defense mode the past six days.  Trying not to feel. I know it may sound a bit strange but if I remain neutral I will not lose it. That's my tactic for now, to just be.

I skyped Brad and confessed my ridiculous urge, he suggested I take a walk down to Starbucks and grab a drink. Now normally I'd totally be up for this. But see we are really trying to stay on budget and get out of debt. i.e. baby step no. 2. And well Starbuck's just wasn't on the budget this week. Instead of giving in to either options. I got up and chopped salad veggies for my lunch.

Yep, idle hands helped me get my mind off the crazed craving. I'm a bit stubborn in case you didn't know this, so make note of it.

By the time I got back to my desk I had an email, from Starbucks. Weird right?! I figured it was spam or some virus chain email crap but it was addressed to Aunt Abra. It was from Jackson T. a gift card, yep you read that right. A gift card to Starbucks!

I need to go buy a lotto ticket right now!

See Jackson is a black lab I helped my boss rescue from the Little Elm animal shelter a few years ago. She recieved an email from a rescue organization and she instantly fell in love. He was on the euthanize list for that evening if someone didn't adopt him by 5PM. She was going out of town for the weekend and they would not hold him, not even with a deposit. So I kindly offered to go get him and keep him for the weekend.

So, off I go to Little Elm late afternoon on a Friday. Traffic was a nightmare. And I got lost. This was before I had a GPS and a fancy iPhone with directions. All I had was a crappy print-out from google maps that was WRONG! I stopped and asked for directions twice. No one knew where the shelter was. There was a deadline. If I didn't make it to pick him up in time. Well I don't think I could have showed my face at work Monday morning.

I finally made it with minutes to spare. Jackson was just a skinny little thing. We knew nothing about him besides he was a black lab, male and young. And it didn't matter, see it was just meant to be. He happily climbed in the Mustang and rode shotgun all the way home. He was such a sweet boy from the beginning. We made it home, I bathed him and we got to know him for the weekend. His mom picked him up on Sunday afternoon and I think it was love at first sight for sure. See Jackson has the best mom in the whole world, he is spoiled and rightfully so. I mean look at this face, love...

My kiddo's still ask and talk about the "hurt" tail dog. Not because his tail was injured. But because he was so happy and constantly wagged his tail. And when your a kid and um short it doesn't feel so great to have a dog's tail beat the crap out of your face. They loved him anyways though.

Thank you Jackson for the gift card today, it really made my day bearable!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

i quit

It's been almost 24 hours since I smoked my last cigarette.

I have been thinking about it seriously for months now and guiltily just kept smoking. With my Dad's surgery and own struggle with the nasty habit I decided to finally commit, on his birthday. As a sort of gift I guess if you'd call it that.

I got to visit with my Dad yesterday. He was still in the ICU when I stopped in and talked with my Mom this AM.  They were waiting on a regular room to open up. He probably gets more attention in the ICU anyways so I would just rather him stay there, I mean who doesn't like being fussed over. He looked pretty damn good yesterday I'd have to say considering. They made him walk a short distance and sit up a bit. He started eating a little solid food but I don't think his appetite was quite back to normal yesterday.  Hopefully I'll have more of an update on him this afternoon.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. And. I'm cold.

I drove off and left Brad mid-sentence last night after getting haircuts etc. He only suggested we eat at home after we had already discussed eating out just minutes beforehand. And being the insane person I am without nicotine, knowing it was well after 8PM and I had nothing at home to throw together I said FINE and drove off. He did have his car there, so it wasn't completely terrible of me.

He of course followed me because that's what any nice husband would do. I went to the closest grocery store to grab some milk for the kiddo's breakfast in the morning. And some bread for their toast. We argued about bread, I mean seriously? I was nearly in tears I just wanted to go home and hide under the covers at this point. I mean who argues with their family about bread, yep that would be me. Completely embarrassing.

Then I stopped for gas because well I was about to run out and he so kindly got out and pumped my gas. Then the tears started pouring. I felt like a lunatic like I needed to be admitted somewhere stat. And here he was suggesting Sonic for dinner and pumping my gas and all I could do was cry and wish to be at home in my bed. He kindly asked Leighton to go sit in his car with Natalie and he apologized and tried to make me feel better, which normally works. Brad has a way with words he is the most tender sweetest man at times. But it just didn't make me feel any better and I needed to escape. Yes, I'm a flight risk BTW.

We got home, I heated up some leftover pizza for the kiddo's threw down some fruit cups, poured glasses of milk. And headed for my bedroom. I threw on my Jammie's and cried myself to sleep at 8:30PM.

Completely lame I know. But it's the truth. Hoping tonight is better. I mean arguing over bread and crying yourself to sleep is like rock bottom, right?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Heart Breaker

Today my dad is having triple bypass surgery. It just seems so unreal I don't think it's quite sunk in yet. I type this as I'm in the surgery waiting room. They took him in for prep at 6:30am. I made it just in time to tell him how much I loved him and happy valentine's day. I also informed him he indeed was a heartbreaker and gently and briefly held his hand as they rolled him from his room. This is not his first heart scare. 12 years ago he had a heart attack. I remember it well. For I was graduating high school that week and drove him to the ER. He smoked the entire drive there, yes he really did. They installed a stent and he was good as new. Saturday afternoon he started feeling ill and took two nitro. My Mom drove him to the ER in Kaufman. His EKG was not good but his blood pressure was. They transferred him to a more equipped hospital in Dallas by ambulance. After his angioplasty yesterday he indeed needed triple bypass surgery. We were all pretty shocked. Good news is his stent has held up well and is still doing it's job but the artery before and after is not. He turns 69 tomorrow. My brother's birthday too. And the anniversary of my grandfather's death, my dad's father. Who iI never got the chance to know. My Dad rawks. He is funny, down to earth and the biggest smart ass I know. He likes tequila in the summer and whiskey in the winter. A gambler at heart, blackjack and poker. And has the sweetest, sweet tooth I have ever met. He is tender , affectionate and an honest hard working man. I need to emphasisize the honest part. He tells it like it is. You know that saying, a daughter usually marries a man just like her father and well yeah its true. He asked me to write down a few things yesterday for my mom on a piece of paper yesterday, for that just in case. Like the safe combination and to get his guns you know the important shit she may not remember. I learned a few things yesterday. George Washington apparently was "bled" to death by his physician. Which is actually controversial as I checked my dad's facts via google. And we both share the same blood type. Not George but me and my Dad, gotta clarify. And a lot more random crap I'm not gonna bore you with. Say a little prayer for my dad please. He is our rock, our matriarch, our everything. I could go on and on about how awesome he is but everyone who already knows him knows this. Love you Dad! Here's to a speedy recovery and another 20 plus years of giving your family your gift of being you.