Tick tock. Tick tock.

After staying up way later than I should have watching The Wolf of Wall Street. I was dragging way more than usual this AM. Which by the way was the longest most pointless movie ever.

If you offend easily well then we probably shouldn't be friends and you should stop here. But. This one clip made it all worth it.

The whole Lemmon Quaalude 714 scene holy crap I had no idea Leonardo DiCaprio had THAT Jim Carrey'ish talent.

Haven't laughed that hard since watching This Is The End.

Afterwards I had to justify with a few episodes of Nurse Jackie to make staying up worth while. Not to mention all that late night cinema'ing it up and nursing my baby ALL night long. I'm pretty sure we could break a world record of latch time in one night alone. I'm running on a good 4 hours sleep today.

Today is Earth Day, my fifth grader is spending the school day at the park with his class. So fun! But this requires bringing a lunch. No worries we bought stuff the night before at Kroger I was prepared this time. Shocking I know but if I didn't have my sweet Natalie shoving it down my throat since last week I probably wouldn't be.

It's also, STAAR testing week for my third and fifth grader. The hold the kids hostage literally and make them eat in the classroom. Nobody likes eating the schools sack lunch. Nobody. It's like the worst lunch ever, slightly better than jail food. Or when you are out of lunch money and have to eat the crappy vegetables. Not that I know about either, just what I've heard of course. Uh huh, Promise.

I run outta the house baby in arms and Disney cup full of fresh brewed Joe, Community Coffee Café Special my new favorite. Barefoot, well I had socks on and... bra less. Load up the baby and we are off to school drop off. Did I mention it stormed last night? And my Suburban was backed in from unloading all the groceries too? After trekking through the grass and wet sidewalk my socks were soaked! Worst feeling ever. But we are gonna be late so I carry on.

Kiddo's hop out and were barely on time.

Then I see it.

Natalie's lunch tote as I'm pulling out of the school parking lot.

F!

It's STAAR testing day and she's a worrier. I mean she basically bugged me 5 million times about her lunch since last week.

I weigh my options. I didn't have my cell phone. Bra less. Shoe less. 9 month old baby strapped in car seat. I make the long drive all the way around the neighborhood back into the school parking lot. Literally ALL the way around the neighborhood, dang school zone one ways and cops enforcing kid safety and all.

And then I see her. She was like an angel. And then I had THAT ah hah moment. Yes!

The Assistant Principal was outside on a very important call. But my girl I know she's probably stressing right now and about to lose it. So, I got her attention and she saved me, she took my girls lunch into school. I didn't have to get out. Yay! MY soggy sock, non-bra wearing snotty baby tote'n school office trip crisis averted.

Then I get home.

And check my phone to send a quick thank you email to said angel. I see lots of voicemails and missed calls. Grrrreat.

The boy left his lunch on the kitchen counter.

I throw my baby in the bath tub with no water and tons of toys while I shower. Why I didn't think of this months ago, seriously. She's mobile now and into everything. And at this point it's the safest place in the entire house. Especially after the gum chewing incident the day before.

I shower and now she's wailing mum...mumma...mumma...mumma so I pick her up and throw her on my hip and try to brush my teeth. Tick tock, tick tock. Gotta get to work and get back to school before my fifth grader takes off to the park. Of course she grabs my toothbrush full of tooth paste before I could stick it in my mouth. That was fun.

Then the flailing baby knocks my bath and body works glass lotion onto the tile floor. Glass and lotion go flying everywhere.

I spit out the toothpaste, turn off the light and just walk away.

I think I'll start a load of diapers before I leave it just takes a sec. As I go to add bleach to the dispenser since it had been a while since I bleached them. And guess what I did.

I spilled bleach everywhere. I put the cap back on, rinse my hands grabbed the baby who's covered in cookie mush because that's what you do when you need 2 seconds to distract a almost 10 month old. Well only the best mothers do. Two trips to the car later I load up all our stuff, baby and another huge Disney cup of Joe.

Pull into the parking lot at school. Run inside baby on hip lunch in hand.

So who wants to come over tonight and help clean up bleach and broken glass tonight?

I didn't think so.

Oh I almost forgot to mention, say hello to your new Mary Kay Consultant. After 25 years of saving up my allowance to buy MK and attending countless parties I finally made the plunge to sell. I love love love MK! You can shop online even and I'll deliver if you live close enough and promise to wear shoes and a bra. 

http://www.marykay.com/abrabeth/

I passed

I don't care how many times I visit this place and how sweet the office staff is, it makes me anxious. Like I wanna vomit in my bag and my heart could possibly leap out of my chest and run far far away kind of anxious. 

Maybe just maybe they could not use that big scary C word every where, that would help. I know it.

It's the type of office where they are expecting you no need to check in or give them a DL or insurance card. They offer you a glass of water and tell you how nice it is to see you. I know these 3 month visits are just routine. I know the tumor was removed. But. I can't help but have those same unknown holy crap feelings as I did walking in here about a year ago very pregnant with my third baby. I secretly do my labor breathing exercises to help keep my cool. I even leave my office with minutes to spare because well I just do. 

My face is almost back to normal and I don't have to go back for 6 months, yay! I can't help but smile and add a little swing to my step knowing that I'm free from worry because that's not my job. Nope. It's not my job.

Morning, what's so good about it?

Feeding my baby in the front seat of my suburban as I write. In my kids school parking lot of all places. Heat blasting because I have on flip flops and it's a freezing 40 degree morning.

A morning I'd like to start over. 

I awake at 6:30, make crappy kuerig coffee because that's all I have. Only to realize my sweet Natalie drank the last little bit of milk I had saved for said crappy coffee. It was just the bottom slimey and barely a tbsp kinda last bit of milk yet she drank it.

I pump for 15 minutes because well the baby needs milk for daycare.

She's still asleep. Score. I get to take a shower.

Wake up the big kids for school.

I dry my hair, another victory. Wake baby change her diaper load everybody up for school.

Make sure the boy has his forms for his field trip that I'm missing today. Sadly. Major mom guilt this morning. Major.

Then he realizes he forgot his lunch that he didn't even make. In the drop off line.

I think fast! I'll drop sister off he can run in subway an exit away at the gas station. Since I don't have on a bra or shoes, he forgot his lunch no reason to make her late.

Then.

I realize I don't have my wallet either. 

Double F!

I go home. Change poopy pants baby. Grab an outfit for the day to get her dressed and then she sticks both feet in poopy diaper and is kicking and whaling her arms everywhere like a crazy baby. Holy crap. Poop everywhere. 

Finally a clean changed baby ahhh. Go in kitchen to make the boys lunch. I grab cat food off the floor before she eats it to only miss the water bowl she dumps out soaking her new clean outfit and diaper. I grab a towel and change her for the third time. Third.

I put baby in her crib to play while I throw a lunch together, like refill a half empty Fuji water bottle with tap water kinda lunch.

She is screaming the whole time. She needs me and a nap. But I can't. I have to get to work and make my boy his lunch. Tick tock tick tock.

Finally I can leave the house. The lunch is made! After 2 phone calls from my boy asking where the heck I am.

I throw on a bra, sundress, jean jacket, flip flops and grab all my toiletries (because I have no time to brush my teeth much less wear deodorant) socks and boots throw all my breast pump crap in a bag and grab my crying snotty hungry baby and her crap and run out the door.

I go into school for a mini therapy lesson the poor office staff, they should probably not ask me how I am. Like ever. On the real. But I love them and ALWAYS feel much better when leaving. I waited for my son and gave him a huge hug and told him how much I loved him and apologized for the crappy lunch.

Some mornings are better than others today was not one of those days. Three kids is hard don't let anyone lie to you. It's hard. Or maybe it's just having a baby. Or being a working mother outside the home and three kids. I do know I'm one doctor appointment away from losing my shit. And that I'm human and cannot do it all. And I don't. And I feel guilty for that.

This photo really says it all.

My life is busy. And chaotic and wonderful all at the same time, my children amaze me and I'm so lucky to have them and Brad my best friend who puts up with my craziness. So very lucky.
 

Oh and on a super side note the new shaken iced sweet tea at Starbucks is perfect, perfect. And only served in the south, this makes me happy.

She's here...

She's here... In the most creepy poltergeist voice, like ever.

Monday, June 24th I was to be induced. I was 39 weeks along and not ready. My house was a mess, I had zero meals frozen or prepped, my bag was not packed and the nursery was not ready.

I made reservations for our last family of 4 meal on Sunday night the 23rd at one of our most favorite restaurants, Capital Grille in Uptown. They have the most amazing lobster mac n cheese. And what a perfect way to kick off the start of the next chapter in our lives.

But one of my must things to get "ready" for that Saturday I went and had a mani, pedi right before knowing it might be weeks before I could get to the nail salon. I'm so glad I did.

But I didn't make it. I had to cancel our reservations.

My water broke Sunday morning at like 5 AM. I was lying in bed a little restless and heard a pop.

Then felt a gush.

Yep. It's happening. I was so relieved too. I did not want to pick my baby's birthday, I think it is a tiny bit weird.

I shook Brad awake. I called my mother and I took a shower.

I got ready and packed my bag, making sure to have our sweet baby's first red cloth diaper a rumparooz lil joey and the going home onesie from Misty and sweet boy hat just in case it was a boy. Jackson Truett or William Jackson was our boy name options. I honestly couldn't settle on a boy name at all it kept changing I really liked Cale Jackson too.

I should have known it was gonna be a girl! And Miranda Claire was our girl name I decided. Actually Jamie Willis Nelson picked the middle name. I loved it, and Miranda after Miranda Lambert LOL I was up late one night at like 3AM and watching her story on tv balling like a big ol' baby. I fell in love with the name, she is a Texas girl after all.

I woke my children gently to tell them how much I loved them and that our baby was coming. I must have given them 100 hugs and kisses for I knew our lives were about to change in a very big way. My mother had come over to stay with them while we were leaving for the hospital.

I was calm and a little anxious to get to the hospital. They say 3rd babies always arrive a bit faster. I did not want to deliver my baby on the side of the road. Brad took FOREVER to get ready, he was a nervous wreck!

My contractions were not too painful and anywhere from 8-10 minutes apart lasting as long as a minute.

See the night before it was a super moon. And Tante Jenne wished her a baby to be born on said super moon night. She got her wish alright.

I got to take a peek before we left of the amazing super moon that lingered. It was gorgeous.

Do you see it peeking at us?

Brad stopped for McDonald's in Seagoville on the way to the hospital. And Wal-Mart for gum and a few other necessities. I just had a lame water, I was so thirsty.

We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 AM. We were checked in by the sweetest Filipino nurse she reminded me of my Aunt Digna it was very comforting.

I was dilated to a 3. And they started Pitocin at 9:12 AM. I should have refused but I didn't.

Around 9:30 AM those contractions were hard and fast. I was breathing my best and dealing with it but I needed relief.

Brad walked to McDonald's and he kindly brought me an iced Sprite. It was just what I needed.

So I finally got that epidural, the anesthelogist was one busy guy. And the best one yet. I mean it actually worked.  I rested and awoke about an hour and half later.

Shortly before noon they checked me again, I was a 10. Time to start pushing.

My OBGYN was not on call so her partner was going to deliver our baby. She was a sweet little petite blonde. Love her. But. She kept trying to talk me into a C-section. She kept consulting with my regular doctor and pressing Brad to get me to cave and giving me the "option" of a C-section and trying to scare the crap outta me.

Our baby's heart rate was strong and healthy, I had zero worry that things wouldn't turn out perfectly.

But no thanks to a C-section, for reals. I let her give me Pitocin but I was not going to have a C-section. Was not!

I tend to grow bigger babies and my previous delivery with Natalie well she had shoulder disphlaysia apparently forceps were used that I don't recall at ALL but Brad assures me that's how it played out. I just know my doctor delivered my girl and kept yelling and telling the nurses to calm the f down LOL

But this time it was different, I pushed and pushed and pushed. And didn't make much progress. Very odd considering I'm usually a maybe 5 pushes and we have a baby kinda gal. But see the previous epidurals weren't as strong. The first time it wore of completely. The second it took the edge off. This third time I couldn't feel a thing.

Brad was getting extremely nervous and anxious. He kept leaving my side and pacing. He said on numerous occasions he felt like he was going to pass out and or be sick. Poor guy. Can you sense my sarcasm?!

He waited outside the door most of the pushing. And listened. He would peek his head in at times and sneak back out again. My lone nurse and OBGYN on call were very patient and supportive they helped me push held my legs encouraged me. Complimented my fabulous mani pedi and tried to make me feel better about Brad and making excuses for him. And at some points it was just my sweet nurse holding one leg and me the other.

It is quite the task focusing on pushing while holding your very heavy legs you cannot feel, at all.

Yep, it was awful and the hardest thing I've ever had to do alone.

They brought a mirror in for me to see the progress. I didn't want one at first but considering I couldn't feel a f'ing thing I needed it. Seeing the top of my baby's gorgeous black head of hair was great motivation. The more I pushed the more progress I made of course but at times it seemed like she just kept going back in.

Finally the doctors and baby nurses rush in and start prepping for delivery. And set up the stirrups. And I'm thinking to myself where were these an hour ago, geez!

There were probably 10 people in that delivery room and I knew not one of them. I was alone. I wasn't really but it sure felt like it.

She calls in the NICU team. Then I really start to panic. Inside I am literally about to explode and completely lose it.

As I was laying their with my legs in stirrups. But I didn't. I kept telling myself that I could do it.

And I pushed with those contractions when they told me too that I could not feel.

She gave me a much needed episiotomy and our baby was born. The young intern OBGYN who assisted in delivery announced it was a girl.

I yelled for Brad to get in their and pretended I hadn't heard that intern and asked him with excitement.

She was born at 1:34 PM.

She was 9lbs 3 oz and 22 1/8" long. I delivered a toddler.

She was longer than Natalie but weighed 3 oz less.

She was healthy and very alert, scored almost perfect on the newborn APGAR I believe.

I cried with relief and excitement. She was here, she was finally here and she was a she! And I know her daddy was very relieved. He took many pictures and stared at her with awe and with so much love, we both did. She was placed on my chest after delivery and she nursed right away. All the while I secretly kept thinking about my impending surgery to remove that tumor. It was nearing, for I had just delivered our baby. It was time to finally schedule and I knew it. I grew more anxious by the day I think that's another reason I kept procrastinating on all the getting ready for baby and inducing labor to be honest. I was scared. I did not want to deal with it. I just wanted to be a new mom again and enjoy my sweet baby.  I won't go into detail what was really filling my head but if you know me, than you know.

Thank goodness she was there to distract me from all the stitching going down there on my franken vagina.

Yep. I was praying for a good stitch job I mean who wants a franken vagina, not me.

Our sweet girl was delivered sunny side up. That's what took so long. That was the hardest pushing labor I've ever experienced.

I believe if they hadn't rushed things with Pitocin she may have turned. And I wouldn't have needed that epidural and I would have delivered her a lot faster.

Next time I'm calling in the troops, all the fabulous strong women in my life.

For the next one.

thirty eight weeks

I made it. Just 14 days to go, or is there?

At my appointment on Monday I was measuring 40 weeks, 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced.  

This pregnancy stuff is way harder than it looks. It's not all rainbows and unicorns, don't let anyone lie to you.

The heartburn is dreadful, even bananas make me feel like I'm breathing fire.  And I cannot breathe. I've drug a bar stool in my bathroom and kitchen so I can look pretty and do dishes, cook etc. It's that bad. I even take the motor buggy at Target on occasion, sometimes that sharp sword stabbing you in the vagina pain is just too much. The pressure this baby can project is undeniably strong.

Just a few weeks ago I'm standing in front of the shower, undressed. Waiting for it to warm up. And I accidentally cough.

I look down as I cough and sure enough I pissed on the floor. Holy crap! It just shot out. It's one thing to wet your pants a tiny bit when you sneeze or cough. Any mothers out there know what I'm talking about. But there was proof right there in front of me. On the floor. It was a completely new low for me. For reals!

But see it's all, and I mean all completely worth it.

Did I mention my children have a theme song for me? Yep, Fat Albert's, "Hey, Hey, Hey". They are so adorable right? Not.

When I found out I was expecting I booked a last family of 4 and maternity shoot with one of my favorite photographer's, Melissa Shook. Many many months in advance. Because I did not want to miss this once in a lifetime moment in our little family life.

I was 32 weeks when these photos were taken. Little did I know I'd actually make it this far.

We are very exciting to meet our new baby. Especially now that school's out the kiddo's are READY to relax at home for the summer with their new baby...

Did I mention how amazing Melissa is? Well, she is. Check out Melissa's Blog for a sneak at our session. I also posted a few of my very favorites.

So, Boy or Girl? The Mr. guesses Girl and I'm on Team Boy!

And I still don't really have names picked. I adore Miranda Claire for a girl and Cale Jackson or William Jackson for a boy name. I love family names and traditional vintagey southern names too. Any suggestions are welcomed. And with a name like Abra well the pressure is ON! 

Below are a few of my favorites...

third opinions

Today I had an appointment with my "primary" doctor. I wanted a second opinion. I saw my OBGYN last week as scheduled and she didn't seemed concerned.

Ok, honestly my husband and close friends wanted it. I was just going to pretend it wasn't there and that it didn't scare the shit outta me every time I'd rub my neck or look in the mirror. I've had a swollen lymph node that I've "noticed" mind you for the past 6-8 weeks. I first saw it on our trip to Disney World, it was hard and pretty big you could see it.

I hadn't been sick, so i couldn't explain it. I'm examined and asked the usual questions. He measures it.

2 centimeters. Gaross.

He decides he wants a second opinion and excuses himself to grab me a referral.

I'm sitting their waiting and wishing he'd just come back and give me an old pat on the hand and tell me I'm overacting and to go home and rest. I pass the minutes that felt like hours on Instagram tagging my friends in completely inappropriate e cards so I don't burst into poor me pity tears.

But he doesn't.

He sends me over to see an Oncologist a few streets over and on his note he hands me is the doctors name, address and phone number. Informs me if I leave right now he can see me right away. His urgency scared me.

And then he tells me not to worry but that he's located in the Baylor Sammons Cancer Center. And not to worry. Again, its just where he's located blah blah blah. By this point I'm blocking out everything coming out of his mouth and I'm trying not to freak the f out.

I leave and head over to get a third opinion. All the while I turn the ac on cold blast and try and relax.

I wait. Forever.

The front desk clerk never makes me get up. Brings everything to me. She must not get many pregnant moms I was totally digging the special treatment.

I see the oncologist. He was very young and made me feel completely at ease. His wife was even expecting and chatted me up. But he was probably full of shit and wasn't even married just wanted me to trust him and feel at ease.

It worked.

He examined me asked the same questions. Then we started the sonogram on my neck. I made the comment at least it didn't have a heart beat.

He said it looked completely normal and as it should.

Next was the biopsy to make sure of that.

It hurt. Not as much as say childbirth but it hurt. He described it as a bee sting. I wouldn't know never been stung. "Knock on wood".

He mentioned there was liquid and no solid matter during the biopsy, another positive check, yay.

I have to wait for the results until Friday and my neck is pretty sore.

But I left that office feeling a sense of calmness and relief that I haven't felt in well, a very long time. With the warm sunshine on my face and the cool February breeze running through my hair. That long slow walk back to my car hearing care flight overhead had me longing to be home with my family hugging them tight.

128 days to go.

One Fifty

Was my baby's heartbeat today at my check-up. The sound was well, glorious.

Girl or Boy, um... What's that old wives tale again?!

This waiting game is driving the Mr. MAD! Completely crazy! And I'm loving every single second of his craziness of wanting to know ha!

This appointment had been rescheduled twice this week. So, I was really anxious to get it over with. It was one of THOSE appointments where I didn't get to keep my pants on.

I really wanted to just leave after the fun stuff, but noooooooooo...

I've only gained 5 lbs since my last check-up. That's pretty good considering I eat all the time it feels like. I wake up STARVING and go to bed STARVING, meh!

160 days to go.

Oh and...

My first born, my boy, my Leighton turned ten on Saturday. 10!

After our whirlwind Disney World NYE trip (which needs its own entry) and Christmas his birthday plans literally slipped right by me. If it wasn't for my mother bugging me about plans the week of I might have waited until the day of. Totally lame on my part. But see I'm prego, I work full time and well I don't have a maid nor a personal shopper or a chef. So, I'm busy and well shit happens.

We had breakfast at Cracker Barrel, best pancakes EVER! Uncle Dano, Marianne, Stewart, Uncle Tim, Aunt Anita, Timbo, Aunt Cindy and MaMo and PaPa met us, what a treat and I know it meant a lot to my boy! He loves his family!

Then we headed out to the new Ross Perot Museum of Nature and Science. But it was sold out 45 minutes upon opening. See I totally procrastinated and didn't buy tickets online, total FAIL! My boy was in near tears. So, Daddy suggested the Lego store to use his VIP points, woot! He saved the day.

We picked up an awesome cookie cake, his design, thank god for cakes pre-made and on hand!

Hit up the bowling lanes to waste a few hours before a fabulous dinner at Coal Vines with our dearest friend Mark, Uncle Josh, his fiancee Kelsey and MiMi and BaPa.

2 hours of bowling wore this momma out, I had to sit out the last half hour. Can you say outta shape?! It was sad really. And boy were my bowling muscles sore the next few days, wowzers...

Natalie managed to get a gutter ball with the bumpers out, how the heck?!

We had a fabulous day celebrating my sweet boy's 10th birthday.

I LOVE him so very much and he's gonna be the best bigGER brother that there ever was, I know it!